


To Cast Aside

by taeminki



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, the other members are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 17:16:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14117127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeminki/pseuds/taeminki
Summary: There was a bold sign in Donghyuk's favorite place, right above the door, that readNo Talking in the Library.





	To Cast Aside

Donghyuk wasn't allowed to have coffee in the library. No one was allowed to have coffee in the library. He tried to hide it beneath the coat he had slipped over his arm when he walked in, but the woman at the counter caught him right away-- pointed him out, gestured him over, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're not supposed to have coffee in here."

"Hey Dong-- _whoa_ , you look like hell -- are you okay?" Yunhyeong poked his head out of the back room to greet Donghyuk, and emerged fully when he caught proper sight of said man. Donghyuk felt far more like hell than he looked; his head was bounding and his back ached. Donghyuk waved shortly. Yunhyeong looked at the coffee in his hand and leaned over to whisper to the woman. She looked disapproving for a moment, but she walked away; and Donghyuk was left alone with Yunhyeong.

"What happened last night?" Yunhyeong asked, leaning over the counter to whisper. It was barely 6:00 in the morning; the library was practically empty, and probably wouldn't get any more patrons until 8:00-- else Donghyuk would have an excuse to tell Yunhyeong to _go back to work, hyung, you have customers to focus on_. Donghyuk regretted not coming later, because he really did not want to explain what had happened last night-- not yet, at least.

"I know you went to a party, but... did you drink _that_  much? You're never this-- hungover." Yunhyeong said. Donghyuk shrugged, and took a sip of his coffee. Yunhyeong looked at him with an expression, and Donghyuk cracked beneath his gaze, "I... brought someone home last night."

"That's nothing new." Yunhyeong said-- "I mean, it's been a few months but you've done it plenty of times before. Did they hurt you or something?"

"No. Not yet." Donghyuk said. Yunhyeong frowned. Donghyuk shook himself out of his cryptic state and asked-- "Hyung, can I talk to you about it later, please? When my head stops pounding, I just-- I want to relax, and read, and--" Donghyuk gestured around, unable to find any more words.

"Okay. Yeah, of course." Yunhyeong said. Donghyuk smiled at him-- a _thank you_ , and left him at the counter. He slipped his jacket on to feel more comfortable; he grabbed a random book off the fiction shelf and plopped into a corner seat at a corner table. He opened the book to the third chapter, deciding he didn't want to read from the beginning, and began to skim the pages. There was a girl... her name was Sooyo... she was talking to someone named Kwanglo... they were awkward together... they were in detention... they weren't supposed to be talking... they could get in trouble... they were from different friend groups... their friends hated each other....

Donghyuk grew bored with the book and returned it to the shelf, calculating where he'd gotten it from and slipping it-- hopefully-- back into its correct spot. He grabbed another book from the shelf and sat down with it. He took a drink of his coffee and read the title of his book, the bitter taste of black stinging his tongue the way the bitter sound of _Love's a State of Mind_ stung his headache. The book was short-- fifty pages. Donghyuk opened it up halfway and started to read. A man and his lover were laying in bed... they were meeting a friend... that friend hated the main character... the couple was late to breakfast... the friend was bitter, and rude, and probably in love with one half of the couple--

Donghyuk turned the book over and sipped from his coffee again. He stared into space for a moment, but he turned his vision at the sight of something waving in his peripheral. Yunhyeong was standing at the counter, looking at him. He was frowning; he mouthed _are you okay?_ with a raised eyebrow and his fingers position in an _okay_ symbol. Donghyuk nodded, sent him a thumbs up with a smile that wasn't really a smile, for his lips formed a tight line. Donghyuk got up to return the book, and sat down at the table with his phone instead. He saw messages from his friend-- Junhoe's drunk messages laughing about the fact that he was with Jinhwan. He saw Hanbin's concern, questioning where Jiwon was. He saw Chanwoo's plethora of emoticons-- seas of yellow and the rest of the rainbow that gave Donghyuk a headache. He saw the clock had fast-forwarded-- from sometime around 6:00, when Donghyuk left his house, to 7:18. It didn't feel like an hour had passed. Donghyuk wondered if Jiwon was awake.

 _Jiwon_. Donghyuk pressed forward and placed his head on the table, a long sigh escaping his mouth-- hot breath ghosting over his own face and leaving his cheeks colder. _Jiwon_. Donghyuk remembered every inch of him from the night before-- his kisses and his words, his "I've been waiting for this" and the way they tasted against his lips. Donghyuk was intoxicated far before he took Jiwon home, but he was far more drunk off of his lips-- in the cheesy way, and the literal way-- the way Donghyuk loved him, and the way Jiwon tasted like all the alcohol he'd drunk. Donghyuk held himself, missing Jiwon's warmth, but regretting it all the same. He breathed heavy again to feel his cheeks go cold again; and he thought he probably deserved it.

Donghyuk sat up and searched for another book to pass the time. His headache was slowly going away; he was slowly started to feel more awake. He was a third of the way through his coffee and he was one chapter into a new book. He sipped his coffee-- growing cold-- from time to patient time. 8:39, and Donghyuk had a few more sips left, and he was powering through another chapter or another book. He wasn't finishing them. He wasn't even starting from the beginning. He read the last chapter of the last book he grabbed; and he was back to starting from the middle with this one-- _Tunnel Vision_. It talked about a boy who struggled with being gay, who was cast away by his best friend and began to date a controlling man. It was heavy and dark, and Donghyuk really felt for the boy.

Just when he thought he couldn't bear to read any more, he was cut off-- a body slipping into the chair next to him, with its hands in its jacket pockets. Donghyuk looked up. Jiwon looked like he had a bit of a hangover, too.

"Hey." Jiwon said softly. Donghyuk nodded. He had nothing to say but everything to say. His heart was pounding against his ribcage-- harder than his head had been pounding against his skull. He looked at his book again. Jiwon leaned forward, "Hey. What's up-- you're not going to talk to me?"

Donghyuk, in his panic of _what can I do? what can I say? how can I get out of this? I can't handle this right now!_ pointed at the sign above the library door. It was so wrong, and so rude, to direct Jiwon's attention to a sign that read _No Talking in the Library_ , which is why Donghyuk was hardly surprised when Jiwon began to stand, like he was going to leave. He didn't, however, leave without Donghyuk; he reached to Donghyuk's chest and grabbed a handful of his chest's layers. He dragged Donghyuk gently, taking him from the library-- leaving behind the book Donghyuk was reading at the empty coffee cup he'd been sipping from all morning.

"What's wrong with you?" Jiwon asked when the two were outside-- when Jiwon had Donghyuk's back against the brick. He had let go of Donghyuk's shirt in favor of tucking his hands into his jacket pockets again. He was pissed, but he was calm-- "I understand if you regret last night, but-- fuck, Donghyuk, you can't even tell me?"

"I-- have a lot to say." Donghyuk whispered, his voice failing him. Jiwon looked at him incredulously, "And-- what? You think I'm not going to listen to you?"

Donghyuk shrugged, his eyes falling. Jiwon tilted his chin up, "Hey, look at me-- I know we spent a night together that's going to complicate things between us for a while, but how _long_  it has to complicate things is completely up to us. If we talk, that shit goes away."

"I know." Donghyuk muttered. He chewed on his bottom lip, and Jiwon grew impatient, "What are you waiting for, then?"

"How are you feeling?" Donghyuk asked. Jiwon seemed taken back at the question, but less pissed off now that Donghyuk was talking. Jiwon asked, "You mean-- physically, or--?" and Donghyuk sighed, finding himself impatient, "Come on, hyung, what are we talking about right now?"

"Okay-- okay, you're right." Jiwon said, holding his hands up, surrendering to Donghyuk's annoyance. He placed his hands back in his pockets, "If I'm honest, Donghyuk, I'm a little scared," and he stopped for a moment but he continued when he saw the expression on Donghyuk's face-- the confusion that signified he wasn't going to express it in words, and he was going to wait for Jiwon to continue talking, "--because... whenever you do this-- whenever you have sex with someone before a date or-- have a one night stand, if you want to call it that, you tend to throw that person away, and... I don't want to be thrown away."

"I thought you might feel like that." Donghyuk muttered. He chewed on his bottom lip again. He'd been afraid of that-- afraid that Jiwon would feel like nothing. He regretted not stopping Jiwon last night; he regretted bringing Jiwon to feel like he was nothing to Donghyuk.

"Well? Am I wrong?" Jiwon asked. There was genuine fear in his voice; it trembled, and cracked as he said _wrong_. Donghyuk cleared his throat. He couldn't look at Jiwon. He was shaking, and he wanted to cry-- "I--" and he couldn't say it. He couldn't say that Jiwon was _everything_ , not nothing. He wanted to avoid this. He couldn't _lie_ , and give Jiwon an excuse like _I think we should be friends_ , or _We should forget this ever happened_ , because that's not what Donghyuk wanted. He _wanted_  them to be everything and more-- he wanted last night to be his last first time, his last first kiss, his last _first_. He wanted Jiwon to know he was everything, but he couldn't tell him that, because Jiwon would run away. There was no way Jiwon wanted the same thing--

\--but Donghyuk couldn't say nothing, either, and have Jiwon feel like he was nothing. He couldn't cast Jiwon away.

So what should he do?

Donghyuk's rational mind knew he was running out of time. Jiwon was growing impatient; he rolled his eyes and turned his head away. He opened his mouth to say something, but Donghyuk didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear it but he didn't have any words with which to cut him off-- so Donghyuk grabbed him by the cheeks and pulled him in, and they kissed hard for a minute-- rough and quick and with a lot of passion, and Donghyuk found his tears overflowing because he'd done it-- he'd said it without a word.

"Yes." Donghyuk told him when he pulled away, when he could breathe. He sobbed, and he felt pathetic for crying, "You're _completely_  wrong."

"You want to keep me, then?" Jiwon asked. He had a grin on his face. His hands were newly free-- pulled from his pockets at the shock of being kissed so suddenly. They crept toward Donghyuk's waist, and held him when Donghyuk didn't pull back. Donghyuk nodded, laughed a little bit as he wiped his tears because he felt so pathetic. Jiwon helped him wipe his tears away, laughing himself, "--the hell are you crying for?"

"I thought you were going to bail on me right now." Donghyuk said honestly, and he laughed because this was so ridiculous. He tilted his head back, "I didn't get to cry this morning, so-- fuck-- I really thought I was going to lose you-- I was regretting last night _so much_ \--"

"Why did you think you were going to lose me?" Jiwon asked. Donghyuk shook his head, and Jiwon laughed-- a little loud, and pulled Donghyuk in and hugged him. Donghyuk tucked his chin over Jiwon's shoulder and held him by the waist, leaving Jiwon's arms to rest comfortably at his shoulders. They held each other like that for a while-- silent as Donghyuk stopped crying, as Jiwon anchored him through his emotion.

"You alright?" Jiwon asked when Donghyuk was finished-- when the last of his tears had rolled off of his cheeks and they had been wiped from his skin. Donghyuk nodded; Jiwon let out another laugh, "Okay. Good. How about we go get breakfast? I'm starving."

"I'm full of coffee, but--" Donghyuk wiped his wet eyes, and laughed; and he looked at Jiwon and he smiled, "Yeah. Let's go get breakfast."

Jiwon held Donghyuk's hand softly to the car; he held Donghyuk's thigh softly in the car; he held Donghyuk's gaze softly throughout breakfast; he held Donghyuk softly all day long-- and despite how gently his grip felt, Donghyuk felt crazy for thinking anything was going to make him let go.


End file.
